I wrote my previous post a few of weeks ago but felt uneasy posting it without answering some of the questions. So I set out on a journey to give myself all the time in the world to see how I would answer these questions.
So, I left my day job, rental home and established life to move in with my family over the holiday period. Having all of my obligations covered and a bit of savings would help keep me from working for a few months. It wasn’t an easy decision to go back home. I had left as soon as I had finished high school and was fond of being my own person with my own life but I any change that I could and have been making is tedious and impeded by the overwhelming need and cost to survive. Also, the questions from my previous post had been nagging at me for quite some time so I made the plunge.
Just like any drastic change I seemed to reject the change immediately. I couldn’t relax and had to stop myself from securing a job. Even though I knew that I had more than enough to get by, the lack of security was and still is hard to get over. I, like most, had been conditioned to get a job and work your way up the ladder. At the same time there are other voices, both internal and external, that tell you to make something of yourself and the time that you have on the earth. But those voices seem to grow dim over time as they become overshadowed by the need to survive in society. Surviving in society is becoming society. So what does it mean to be me?
I decided not to make a plan of action, rules or focus when arriving just to see how I would go. And just as anticipated, after a week without having any real obligations or drive I used my time relentlessly. But I also noticed that I started doing the things that had always been on goals: I picked up a new sport, wrote a lot and spent a lot of time with my family. For the first time in a while I felt easy and at peace: it became easier to get up in the morning, to focus on fitness (which was never easy in the past) and to evaluate where and who I wanted to be. I have little to no urge to watch TV or play video games (where I squandered most of my free time before). I also now have the opportunity to pick up work and opportunities that I love which never had a place in my previously busy life.
It’s funny, before I would have viewed the above usage of my time as a waste as I have not been consciously working towards any of my major goals but now I think it is anything but. It seems as though am building a peaceful and happy foundation which I expect will be conducive to a more productive me. Lets hope this can be maintained.
I think it is about time that to kick things into gear and ad some direction to this journey.